Giving Up

One of America’s dearest values is “Never give up.”

But I have decided that in order to simplify my life, remain sane and maintain my physical and mental health, I must give up some of the things I took on last year.

Last year, I was unemployed. I maintained this blog and a volunteer position. Now, I’m working again, plus I’ve returned to school. Add in all the things that life in general requires, and I’m pretty busy. I have to give up something. So I asked myself--what do I absolutely have to do? And with the time left over, what do I want to do?

Can I give up cleaning, mowing the lawn, grocery shopping? Do I want to give up spending time with friends and family (in person!), reading, or going to a movie every now and then? This blog did not make it onto either list. So, away it goes. (My volunteer position had to go, too.)

I may return here from time to time, or begin regular postings again in the future, or reinvent this blog altogether some other year. But for now, I’m giving up.

Thanks for reading and posting comments!

Crimes at the Theater

The end of theater season is here, and I’m kind of glad. I have season tickets to my local professional theater company and in general, I love going to the theater. It’s the other theater-goers I’m sick of.

Actually, there are plenty of nice, intelligent people at the theater. But it only takes one person committing a theater crime to spoil the whole experience.

The unforgivable crimes

Snacking. Just last week, I sat next to a couple who must have mistaken live theater for a movie theater. They secreted a baggie of snacks out from its hiding place as soon as the lights went down. The distraction of their arms repeatedly moving up and down from the bag to their mouths and the annoying, incessant rustling, crunching and salivating was maddening. They ate during the whole play. If I ate that much, I’d weigh 700 pounds. Besides that, there is no food allowed in the theater.

Talking. I don’t need a running commentary. I’m there, watching the same thing you are. If you have to repeat the dialogue for a friend, have your friend get one of those hearing devices the theater loans out for free. Also, please don’t predict the ending aloud. If I haven’t figured it out already, I’ll be deprived of the surprise, and if I have, I’ll just think you’re slow.

Checking your cell phone. If you’d rather be on social media than watching the play, go forth and Tweet somewhere else.

Seat-kicking. If I wanted to be violently thrown forward with a thump aimed in the middle of my back, I’d—well, I don’t know where else I can get this displeasure.

The forgivable crimes

Overreacting. “Gasp!” “Oh!” “Awwwww!” Sometimes, this one amuses me.

Coughing and sneezing. It happens. But if it develops into a fit, take it outside.

Fidgeting. I know, any seat can get uncomfortable by the third act of Henry V. But try not to commit the seat-kicking crime.

Excuse Me—Your Modifier Is Dangling

The disclaimer: I’m claiming to have heard these examples of dangling modifiers in the real world. The truth is I heard or read the dangling modifiers and the pronouns that followed, but my brain blew up with the ungrammaticality of it all and I missed the rest of the sentences. So I’ve had to make up half-sentences here.

A common error in speaking and writing is the dangling modifier. I found or heard these examples in the real world:

“After recovering from surgery, her parents started a nonprofit to raise money for cancer research.”

“As a loyal customer, we want to inform you that you will receive a credit on your bill.”

The problem in these sentences is that the initial phrase is modifying the subject, which appears right after the phrase. But it shouldn’t—that wasn’t the intent.

In the first example, the sentence states that the parents had surgery, and then started a nonprofit. What the speaker was really trying to say is that the parents’ daughter had surgery and this event led the parents to start a nonprofit organization. If the speaker really wants to keep the phrase “After recovering from surgery,” he should begin the next part with “the child,” since the child is the one who had surgery. Otherwise, he should add the child into the phrase: “After Susie had surgery, her parents…”

The second example is just the same. The company that sent out this letter is calling itself a loyal customer. What it really meant to say is, “We want to inform you, a loyal customer, that you will receive a credit.” See how the phrase moved closer to its real subject—the thing it actually describes? The company could also have gone with, “Because you are a loyal customer, we want to inform you….”

Perhaps speakers and writers often think that in order to cram some more useful information into a sentence, they can just tack it on to the beginning with a comma. But they can’t do that without changing the meaning of the sentence.

I Swear!

I’ve long been fascinated by alternative swear words and exclamations. They strike me as more creative than the old standards. You hear them on TV; “Shut the front door!” is a popular one these days. I’m always delighted to hear new versions or old ones I’ve never heard.

Besides, I am mildly offended at foul language, especially the f word. When I hear such language, even if it’s not directed at me, I suffer a little discomfort and wince inwardly. Most people, of course, swear when they are angry or frustrated, and many think nothing of regularly peppering their speech with all kinds of “dirty words.”

But some feel more virtuous and try to find alternatives that are less vulgar. There is a long tradition of avoiding sin and vulgarity by pronouncing swear words slightly differently, such as “Dang!” and “Fudge!”

I’d much rather hear an assortment of more imaginative phrases than the same old crudity. From the old-fashioned and wholesome “Gee whiz!” to the visual “H-E-double hockey sticks!” to the oddball “Great Grandma’s Gravy!” and the nautical “Shiver me timbers!” -- there’s a lot to choose from.

Daylight Saving Time Doesn’t Move the Earth

If I believe all the TV newscasters, this weekend I lost an hour of sleep, but I’m gaining an extra hour of daylight. I don’t believe it.

For one thing, I could have gone to bed at any time on Saturday night and still slept 8 hours or as long as I wanted, regardless of what time it was.

Also, the Earth is still moving around the sun and rotating on its axis at the same rates it was a day or two ago. It hasn’t suddenly changed its path, started moving faster during the night or slowed down during the day.

We do not gain an hour of sunlight in daylight saving time, we merely change our clocks so that the sun appears to come up and set later than it usually does.

It’s not enough to lose sleep over.

Redundancies

Almost every day I hear random redundancies come out of people’s mouths. I’m quite sure I use them too, so I’m not totally criticizing here. But they catch my ear.

One of them is the ubiquitous “3 a.m. in the morning.” (This one I do not use.) When I hear it, I always mutter, “What, as opposed to 3 a.m. in the evening?” A.M. indicates morning, so there is no need to add further description of the time of day. Either 3 a.m. or 3 in the morning will suffice.

I’ve been hearing a lot of “small little” lately. I keep hearing a local lawyer commercial that mentions the “small little check” you’ll get from the insurance company if you don’t use the lawyer’s services. I believe the intent here is emphasis: The check is smaller than small. But, really, small and little mean the same thing, don’t they? Why not emphasize with a word like tiny or a phrase like awfully small”? You could even use the oxymoronic enormously small.

One phrase I’ve railed against for a long time is “and also.” Technically, these words are two different parts of speech and there is no redundancy here. And is a conjunction and also is an adverb. And indicates a connection or addition. Also means besides or likewise. If you look up also on the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, the first example of the use of also includes and: “She’s a talented singer and also a fine actress.” Again, emphasis.

But why use both? Why not: “She’s a talented singer and a fine actress.” Also just seems like an unnecessary addition.

Do these phrases sound as odd and wrong to you as they do to me? What phrases make you cringe?

Sorry, There Is No Blog This Week

This week, I’ve been sick. I flat out don’t feel like writing a blog.

Being a planner (see last post), I had a full list of things to do for every day of this week, which I made out last week in a fit of obsessive zeal. This week, I've been looking at how many things on that list are absolutely necessary, and which ones just don’t matter.

I have decided to continue attending my classes and doing my homework. I am still actively job searching this week, although I cancelled my registration at a job fair. I didn’t think sneezing on recruiters and wiping my nose before handing over my resume would be a positive way to stand out.

Other than that, I have been resting as much as possible, which seems to be helping.

I just don’t care about any of my other “obligations” right now. So you’re not actually looking at a blog post. I just didn’t feel like writing one.

Living by the (Date)book

It’s a potential tragedy: I’ve lost my datebook.

I strive to keep my life simple. But even though I’m unemployed, I’ve still managed to book (and sometimes overbook) my time. I’ve got classes and homework, now that I’m a student again. I have job searching and networking activities. I have miscellaneous obligations, like doctor’s appointments, activities with friends and family, and the occasional theater ticket.

In short, I have a regulated, scheduled life. I have to keep track of it.

Add to this that I am an ardent list maker and planner. I write down everything I need to do, and set deadlines for myself by adding items to my calendar. And I write things down because there is so much to keep track of, that if I didn’t schedule it, I’d forget it.

Now, with the loss of my datebook, I don’t know what to do or when. Am I supposed to have tea at the White House on Monday? Am I supposed to pay the utilities bill by the 29^th? Was I planning to have a novel written by Wednesday?

Luckily, the doctor’s office will likely call me with a reminder before my appointment (if I have one). But what about all those other plans and tasks, whatever they are? Will this development bring a huge dose of happy spontaneity into my life? Or will I just degenerate into a ball of anxiety?

I don’t know what to expect. Losing my datebook was not scheduled in my datebook.

Common Sense

It’s true what they say – common sense isn’t that common.

Common sense describes an idea so basic and sensible that it’s shared by all. Is there really such a thing?

I was driving to my volunteer shift one day after a snow storm. The roads were clear, thanks to the city plows and a little melting. However, when I came into a residential neighborhood, I found a man throwing large chunks of ice across the road. I had to slow down to a crawl to make my way through this obstacle course of icebergs that were big enough to tear a hole in my undercarriage.

His common sense told him that he lived on the shady side of the street and if he ever wanted the ice to melt off his property, he needed to throw it somewhere else. He has seen other people do this and thought it was a reasonable idea.

I suppose his common sense also told him that the road in front of his house was heated or at least hotter than his property and therefore, the ice would melt away quickly. His common sense also must have told him that vehicles of all sizes, including compact cars but barring the Titanic, can easily crush icebergs.

My common sense told me that I’d be lucky to get through his street without damage to my car.

This idea of throwing ice across the road, while not shared by all, is common around here. But is it actually sensible? The city, who is in charge of clearing the road of snow and ice, would not think so. I, wincing and bouncing all the way through this rough off-roading experience, did not think so.

Do you have examples of not-so-common sense?

Plagiarism

This week in one of my classes, we discussed how to avoid the dangers of the internet in violating copyright on images. While we did not discuss text, the same thing goes for that, too.

In my working life, I’ve run into plenty of people, of all different ages, who believe that writing consists of finding information on the internet, copying it and pasting it into a Word document. Furthermore, they’ll accept any source of information as valid, presumably because it’s posted on the internet (but don’t get me started on that).

The copy-and-paste method of writing is called plagiarism.

It’s fine if you have to look up some information in order to write something. It’s fine if you use that information, even some of it word for word, as long as you cite your sources. If you only paraphrase someone else’s ideas, you should cite that source too.

Don’t let the internet mesmerize you into the idea that everything that’s out there belongs to everyone. You might be able to access it for free, but you can’t take credit for it.

You must significantly change a piece of writing (or an image) in order to call it your own. But while you’re at it, why don’t you just create a whole new piece that truly is all your own?

If you know of any links to informative sites on this subject, please post them in the comments section (with credit given where it’s due, of course!).

The Lobotomy Certificate

This week, during a semi-impromptu presentation in a class I’m enrolled in, the presenter introduced a young man by saying that he was working toward a “lobotomy certificate.” The young man was willing to let that pass, but when the presenter was questioned and she repeated exactly what she had said with smiling conviction, he corrected her by piping up with “phlebotomy certificate.”

All week since, I’ve been thinking about that lobotomy certification. Would it be useful?

I myself am going for a web design certificate. I know many others who are getting certified in project management or accounting or human resources. It seems that these days, everyone has to be certified in one thing or more just to compete. But if nearly everyone, say, who is applying for a project management job is certified in project management, how does anyone stand out?

I think the answer to that is obviously the lobotomy certificate. Who else has that? Nobody.

You never know when such a skill might come in handy in the workplace. And you’d be the only one able to do it. You would become invaluable.

Perhaps other useful certificates would include trepanation, exorcism, scrimshaw, and cup stacking.

What do you think? What would you like to be certified in?

Robins Only Live in Springtime

It has begun.

Every year, I hear all kinds of odd statements, old wives’ tales and outright fallacies casually and predictably pronounced by news anchors, weathermen, and marketers (via TV commercials).

It seems most of them have to do with animals, holidays and seasons. Many of them are flat-out ridiculous. Yet people perpetuate them with glee.

It began early this year during a warm stretch of weather, when my local weatherman showed a viewer photo of a robin and wondered aloud if spring was here. This one gets me every year. I understand that the robin has long been a symbol of spring and that robins migrate and therefore might be a less common sight around here in the winter. But I have seen robins year-round, including summer, fall and winter. This cliché is tired. Let it rest.

Last year, I actually heard a prominent and respected local news anchor say that Independence Day was the day we remember our veterans (living and otherwise) and what they’ve done for our country. Um, no. That would be Memorial Day and/or Veterans Day. On Independence Day, the U.S. celebrates its independence from Great Britain.

Later this year, we’ll be hearing about the dog days of summer. The dog days, contrary to what you will be lead to believe, have nothing to do with canines lying around lazily in the heat. They have to do with the Dog Star’s position in space.

Here’s one that’s actually dangerous: If you watch enough TV and movies, you’ll learn that cats drink milk and play with yarn. In fact, if you give your cat milk, it will likely have diarrhea. And if you give it yarn or anything linear to play with, it may swallow it and develop life-threatening intestinal blockages.

Think about the clichés you hear and don’t take them all for gospel truth.

Which Pronoun?

Do you ever get corrected when you say “him and I” or “Joe and me”? People are frequently confused about the proper use of direct and indirect object pronouns, especially because half the people they listen to and model are wrong.

Here’s how to get it right.

Don’t worry about what part of speech you’re using and whether it’s direct or indirect. That’s too much analysis. Just try this simple “equation.”

Subtract one person out of the sentence. Let’s say you want to tell someone that you and some guy named Billy Bob went to the opera.

You have four choices:

A. Billy Bob and me went to the opera.

B. Me and Billy Bob went to the opera.

C. Billy Bob and I went to the opera.

D. I and Billy Bob went to the opera.

Two of these are grammatically correct. Which one would you use?

The correct usages are C and D.

How do you know? Subtract one of the subjects: Leave Billy Bob out of it for a minute. Would you say “Me went to the movies”? No, unless you were Tarzan, you would say “I went to the movies.” Therefore, I is the correct pronoun to use in this case. While both C and D are correct, most people find C sounds better to the ear.

Now, let’s say someone gave you the opera tickets. Again, you have four choices:

E. Zerelda gave me and Billy Bob opera tickets.

F. Zerelda gave Billy Bob and me opera tickets.

G. Zerelda gave Billy Bob and I opera tickets.

H. Zerelda gave I and Billy Bob opera tickets.

Again, leave Billy Bob at home. Would you say “Zerelda gave me the tickets” or “Zerelda gave I the tickets”? The answer on this one, which I’m sure you’ll find most apparent, is “me”; therefore E and F are the correct choices. Use whichever sounds best to your ear. I like E best.

You can use this same “equation” with he/him and she/her. For example, “He/him and Billy Bob gave she/her and Zerelda a lesson in grammar.” Can you pick the right pronoun?

Taking Care of a Pet With a Cold

The disclaimer: If your pet is sick, please consult a veterinarian. This advice is not intended to replace the personalized care you will get when you physically take your animal to a licensed veterinarian.

I have been volunteering at a local animal shelter for awhile now, in the veterinary clinic. Adopters can bring their newly adopted pets in for free help with shelter-related health issues. We mostly treat head colds: upper respiratory infections in cats and kennel cough in dogs.

The veterinarian I work with, Dr. Steve Huber, gives the same advice to every adopter on nursing dogs and cats with colds. With his permission, I’m sharing this advice here. (Respect the disclaimer!)

Create a steam room. If you have a vaporizer – not a humidifier, but a machine that boils water and creates steam -- put your pet in a small room with it for about 15 minutes, twice a day. If you don’t have a vaporizer, create a steam room in a small bathroom by turning on the shower as hot as it will go. Don’t put your pet under the shower, of course, but let him roam the room. The steam will soften up all the mucus membranes and help clear the airways.

Keep the boogers away. Twice a day, especially in the morning, wet a cotton ball with warm water, squeeze out the excess water, and gently rub your pet’s eyes and nostrils to remove any crusty buildup that has accumulated.

Provide fluids with calories. If your pet is feverish or congested and can’t smell anything, he may not feel like eating his regular food. Set down a buffet of foods such as broths, bouillons, chicken soup, and the liquid from canned tuna. Dr. Huber also recommends Gerber’s Chicken and Gravy baby food. It is high in water, nutritious and pretty darn tasty. Don’t give your pet anything with milk or sugar in it.

If your pet’s doctor has given you medications, give them according to directions.

Head colds in pets can last from two to 10 days. If your pet’s illness lingers, consult your veterinarian.

Rest

This New Year’s Day, as you know, was both a holiday and a Sunday. Traditionally, holidays and Sundays were not only days off from work, but also generally days of rest.

It used to be (or so I’m told) that nothing was open on Sundays or holidays except churches and the odd donut shop. You couldn’t just step out and shop for new clothes or TVs or pick up a few necessities on Christmas. Lots of people got these days off, except for police officers and firefighters, doctors and nurses. These days, though, everything is open on weekends and holidays and it’s business as usual. More people have to work.

For some, working includes being tied to a computer or smartphone. You may technically have the day off of work, but you’re still mentally engaged in your job by checking your email when you’re not there.

Whether you’re addicted to technology, or you have a heightened sense of responsibility or you’re a workaholic, you need to rest. It helps recharge your brain cells and makes you more productive when you return to work. It helps keep you well, both physically and mentally. We all work hard. But shouldn’t we feel some responsibility to ourselves and take a day of rest every week?

This New Year’s Day, I spent the day unplugged. For me, this meant no checking my email, no checking my Twitter feed or Tweeting, no internet surfing, no blogging and no worrying that I should be doing any of that.

How did you start off your year? I hope you got some rest!