Crimes at the Theater

The end of theater season is here, and I’m kind of glad. I have season tickets to my local professional theater company and in general, I love going to the theater. It’s the other theater-goers I’m sick of.

Actually, there are plenty of nice, intelligent people at the theater. But it only takes one person committing a theater crime to spoil the whole experience.

The unforgivable crimes

Snacking. Just last week, I sat next to a couple who must have mistaken live theater for a movie theater. They secreted a baggie of snacks out from its hiding place as soon as the lights went down. The distraction of their arms repeatedly moving up and down from the bag to their mouths and the annoying, incessant rustling, crunching and salivating was maddening. They ate during the whole play. If I ate that much, I’d weigh 700 pounds. Besides that, there is no food allowed in the theater.

Talking. I don’t need a running commentary. I’m there, watching the same thing you are. If you have to repeat the dialogue for a friend, have your friend get one of those hearing devices the theater loans out for free. Also, please don’t predict the ending aloud. If I haven’t figured it out already, I’ll be deprived of the surprise, and if I have, I’ll just think you’re slow.

Checking your cell phone. If you’d rather be on social media than watching the play, go forth and Tweet somewhere else.

Seat-kicking. If I wanted to be violently thrown forward with a thump aimed in the middle of my back, I’d—well, I don’t know where else I can get this displeasure.

The forgivable crimes

Overreacting. “Gasp!” “Oh!” “Awwwww!” Sometimes, this one amuses me.

Coughing and sneezing. It happens. But if it develops into a fit, take it outside.

Fidgeting. I know, any seat can get uncomfortable by the third act of Henry V. But try not to commit the seat-kicking crime.