Excuse Me—Your Modifier Is Dangling

The disclaimer: I’m claiming to have heard these examples of dangling modifiers in the real world. The truth is I heard or read the dangling modifiers and the pronouns that followed, but my brain blew up with the ungrammaticality of it all and I missed the rest of the sentences. So I’ve had to make up half-sentences here.

A common error in speaking and writing is the dangling modifier. I found or heard these examples in the real world:

“After recovering from surgery, her parents started a nonprofit to raise money for cancer research.”

“As a loyal customer, we want to inform you that you will receive a credit on your bill.”

The problem in these sentences is that the initial phrase is modifying the subject, which appears right after the phrase. But it shouldn’t—that wasn’t the intent.

In the first example, the sentence states that the parents had surgery, and then started a nonprofit. What the speaker was really trying to say is that the parents’ daughter had surgery and this event led the parents to start a nonprofit organization. If the speaker really wants to keep the phrase “After recovering from surgery,” he should begin the next part with “the child,” since the child is the one who had surgery. Otherwise, he should add the child into the phrase: “After Susie had surgery, her parents…”

The second example is just the same. The company that sent out this letter is calling itself a loyal customer. What it really meant to say is, “We want to inform you, a loyal customer, that you will receive a credit.” See how the phrase moved closer to its real subject—the thing it actually describes? The company could also have gone with, “Because you are a loyal customer, we want to inform you….”

Perhaps speakers and writers often think that in order to cram some more useful information into a sentence, they can just tack it on to the beginning with a comma. But they can’t do that without changing the meaning of the sentence.

Don't Write Negatively

The disclaimer: I see from my previous blog post titles that I've not practiced what I'm about to preach. However, this blog post title is intended to be ironic.

You’ve heard the old adage: “Think positive.” (To which I might reply, ‘think positively,’ but that’s another blog.)

I’d like to extend that adage to “Write positively.”

Don’t is not a very powerful word. Case in point: When you’re teetering on the edge of a tall building (you know, as you do every week) and someone says, “Don’t look down,” what’s the first thing you do?

Another case in point: When you say to someone, “don’t laugh,” don’t they immediately and always let out a small chuckle before you’ve even told them that which is not supposed to be funny?

I learned in a child psychology class that you must give a child positive instructions rather than telling him what not to do. The child hears what you don’t want him to focus on and can’t shake it from his head. It’s suggestive. You say, “Don’t throw mashed potatoes at your sister,” and he hears “throw mashed potatoes at your sister.” Then you’re shocked to find him minutes later, throwing mashed potatoes at his sister.

The same goes for adults. You must plant the suggestion of what you want a person to do, not what you don’t want them to do.

In advertising, “Don’t wait!” becomes “Hurry in!”

In billing, “Please do not send cash” becomes “Please enclose a check or credit card information.”

Perhaps you can get away with including something negative if it’s followed by a positive: “Don’t let these poor animals suffer any longer. Please donate.” In this case, you’re implanting the negative in the audience’s mind in order to arouse feelings of sympathy and philanthropy, and then you’re giving them a way to counteract the negative and feel better.

What do you think? Do you respond as well to statements that use “don’t” as you do to positive statements?

A Novel Idea (Even If You Don’t Have an Idea for a Novel)

Have you ever said, “Someday, I’m going to write a novel”? Well, and have you done it?

Yesterday, I began writing my novel. I will finish on November 30.

I am participating (again) in National Novel Writing Month. The goal is to write a 50,000-word novel between Nov. 1 and Nov. 30.

I hear you saying that’s crazy. But I’ve done it before. In 2009, I wrote my first novel. I did not publish my novel because when I finished it, I found it was so wretched that is wasn’t worth the time to revise it. But it might've been great!

The point of National Novel Writing Month is to write. You set yourself a goal of 50,000 words (or it’s set for you by the folks at the nonprofit Office of Letters and Light), and if you don’t want to be disappointed, or consider yourself a loser, then you finish it. It doesn’t matter if what you write is putrid, you just write. And when you finish, you can say “I wrote a novel.”

Now I hear you saying, “What’s the point?” Well, if you have “write a novel” on your bucket list, this is the best and quickest way to check it off. Especially if you tell everyone you’re going to do it, then join in the worldwide community of people on www.nanowrimo.org who are also doing it. Peer pressure, you know.

This event is also great if you seriously want to write a novel for possible publication but never seem to get around to it. In only 30 days, you’ll have a substantial amount of rough draft down on paper and then you can go back and revise it later. It’s a start!

If you like to write or you want to practice writing and get better at it, then participate in this event. You’ll be forced to write daily to meet your goal.

Plus, it’s just kind of fun.

Now, I must get back to my novel….

An Occupational Hazard of Writers

The Disclaimer: This isn’t so much a disclaimer as a credit. The following was inspired by a conversation with new friend and fellow ex-teacher Robert Hageman. Thanks, Rob!

One of the biggest occupational hazards of being a writer and editor is that everyone thinks they can do the job as well as, if not better than, you can. (Hey, that’s funny -- that was one of my occupational hazards as a teacher, too.) Their reasoning is fine on the surface: I speak the language.

But if truly everyone could do it, there wouldn’t be writing and editing jobs, in which a person’s main duties are writing and editing (I know there are some of those jobs out there, I just know it!). Also, no self-respecting university would actually offer a bachelor’s degree in writing, like I have. It would be like getting a degree in breathing. (If you actually have such a degree, please let me know!)

I’ve also heard the idea that because a person went to college, he can write. And the more he went to college, the better he can write. Well, I went to college too (and majored in writing, remember?). And I know that in college, especially in graduate school, you learn to write in an “academic” way – long, rambling, passive voice that you’re milking for all its worth so you can fill the minimum number of pages required. That’s called bs-ing, not writing.

Being a professional writer and editor also has side effects. I read at least half the day, with a serious “work” concentration. Now, when I read recreationally in the evening, I don’t care to apply the same vigor to the task as I have at work. As a result, I can’t get through a Henry James novel. I read Turn of the Screw last year and was confused by the end of it. Did something happen? Was there a plot?

Despite the risks, I still enjoy the journey into language that one takes as a writer and editor and I will still pursue a full-time career in it. I probably won’t pursue another James novel, though.