Crimes at the Theater

The end of theater season is here, and I’m kind of glad. I have season tickets to my local professional theater company and in general, I love going to the theater. It’s the other theater-goers I’m sick of.

Actually, there are plenty of nice, intelligent people at the theater. But it only takes one person committing a theater crime to spoil the whole experience.

The unforgivable crimes

Snacking. Just last week, I sat next to a couple who must have mistaken live theater for a movie theater. They secreted a baggie of snacks out from its hiding place as soon as the lights went down. The distraction of their arms repeatedly moving up and down from the bag to their mouths and the annoying, incessant rustling, crunching and salivating was maddening. They ate during the whole play. If I ate that much, I’d weigh 700 pounds. Besides that, there is no food allowed in the theater.

Talking. I don’t need a running commentary. I’m there, watching the same thing you are. If you have to repeat the dialogue for a friend, have your friend get one of those hearing devices the theater loans out for free. Also, please don’t predict the ending aloud. If I haven’t figured it out already, I’ll be deprived of the surprise, and if I have, I’ll just think you’re slow.

Checking your cell phone. If you’d rather be on social media than watching the play, go forth and Tweet somewhere else.

Seat-kicking. If I wanted to be violently thrown forward with a thump aimed in the middle of my back, I’d—well, I don’t know where else I can get this displeasure.

The forgivable crimes

Overreacting. “Gasp!” “Oh!” “Awwwww!” Sometimes, this one amuses me.

Coughing and sneezing. It happens. But if it develops into a fit, take it outside.

Fidgeting. I know, any seat can get uncomfortable by the third act of Henry V. But try not to commit the seat-kicking crime.

Excuse Me—Your Modifier Is Dangling

The disclaimer: I’m claiming to have heard these examples of dangling modifiers in the real world. The truth is I heard or read the dangling modifiers and the pronouns that followed, but my brain blew up with the ungrammaticality of it all and I missed the rest of the sentences. So I’ve had to make up half-sentences here.

A common error in speaking and writing is the dangling modifier. I found or heard these examples in the real world:

“After recovering from surgery, her parents started a nonprofit to raise money for cancer research.”

“As a loyal customer, we want to inform you that you will receive a credit on your bill.”

The problem in these sentences is that the initial phrase is modifying the subject, which appears right after the phrase. But it shouldn’t—that wasn’t the intent.

In the first example, the sentence states that the parents had surgery, and then started a nonprofit. What the speaker was really trying to say is that the parents’ daughter had surgery and this event led the parents to start a nonprofit organization. If the speaker really wants to keep the phrase “After recovering from surgery,” he should begin the next part with “the child,” since the child is the one who had surgery. Otherwise, he should add the child into the phrase: “After Susie had surgery, her parents…”

The second example is just the same. The company that sent out this letter is calling itself a loyal customer. What it really meant to say is, “We want to inform you, a loyal customer, that you will receive a credit.” See how the phrase moved closer to its real subject—the thing it actually describes? The company could also have gone with, “Because you are a loyal customer, we want to inform you….”

Perhaps speakers and writers often think that in order to cram some more useful information into a sentence, they can just tack it on to the beginning with a comma. But they can’t do that without changing the meaning of the sentence.