Stick Your Apostrophes Where They Belong

The Disclaimer: I have been an English teacher and am currently a professional writer and editor --though an unemployed one -- so you weigh the evidence.

Have you forgotten the difference between a plural, a possessive and a contraction? Are you unsure about when to use an apostrophe and where to stick it? Your misuse of apostrophes could cause undesirable consequences for you, not the least of which is being made fun of on the internet.

If you or someone you know is an apostrophe abuser, take these steps now:

1.       Admit you have a problem.

2.       Learn how to form a plural.

Plural means there is more than one of something. Usually, plurals add an s to the end of a word, without an apostrophe. The only time a plural uses an apostrophe is in an awkward case.

For example, you want to say there is more than one s in a word: There were two s’s. This is so awkward, you probably want to skip the plural altogether and just stick with “more than one s.”

When in doubt with a plural, just leave the apostrophe at home. SUVs is better than SUV’s because the latter might be confused with a possessive. I can’t stand driving by a mechanic’s shop with a sign out front that says he services SUV’s. You service SUV’swhat? See next step.

3.       Learn how to form a possessive.

A possessive means something belongs to somebody or something else. Usually, a possessive uses an apostrophe and an s. SUV’s, for example, means something that belongs to SUV, such as the SUV’s engine.

If the word is plural but doesn’t end in an s, like women, still use an apostrophe and an s: Where is the women’s room? If the word is plural and ends in an s, you’re going to have to put the apostrophe at the end: The dogs’ kennels are dirty.

I see you’re confused now. Just move on to the next step when you’re ready.

4.       Learn how to form a contraction.

A contraction is two words smashed together, with the missing letters replaced by an apostrophe. For example, don’t is do and not shoved together. See how the o in not disappeared and there’s an apostrophe there instead? It’s a place holder, like the seat fillers at the Academy Awards. Here, Mister O, I’ll sit here and make it look like the auditorium is full while you get a drink.

To use an apostrophe correctly in a contraction, figure out where the missing letter or letters would be if the words were all spelled out, and stick the apostrophe there.

5.       Recognize what you have done and make amends.

Now go out and fix your signs and websites. If you’re making these kinds of mistakes as a business owner, you’re getting bad publicity. And next time, consider hiring an editor. There are plenty of out-of-work editors who need jobs.