The Lobotomy Certificate

This week, during a semi-impromptu presentation in a class I’m enrolled in, the presenter introduced a young man by saying that he was working toward a “lobotomy certificate.” The young man was willing to let that pass, but when the presenter was questioned and she repeated exactly what she had said with smiling conviction, he corrected her by piping up with “phlebotomy certificate.”

All week since, I’ve been thinking about that lobotomy certification. Would it be useful?

I myself am going for a web design certificate. I know many others who are getting certified in project management or accounting or human resources. It seems that these days, everyone has to be certified in one thing or more just to compete. But if nearly everyone, say, who is applying for a project management job is certified in project management, how does anyone stand out?

I think the answer to that is obviously the lobotomy certificate. Who else has that? Nobody.

You never know when such a skill might come in handy in the workplace. And you’d be the only one able to do it. You would become invaluable.

Perhaps other useful certificates would include trepanation, exorcism, scrimshaw, and cup stacking.

What do you think? What would you like to be certified in?

Robins Only Live in Springtime

It has begun.

Every year, I hear all kinds of odd statements, old wives’ tales and outright fallacies casually and predictably pronounced by news anchors, weathermen, and marketers (via TV commercials).

It seems most of them have to do with animals, holidays and seasons. Many of them are flat-out ridiculous. Yet people perpetuate them with glee.

It began early this year during a warm stretch of weather, when my local weatherman showed a viewer photo of a robin and wondered aloud if spring was here. This one gets me every year. I understand that the robin has long been a symbol of spring and that robins migrate and therefore might be a less common sight around here in the winter. But I have seen robins year-round, including summer, fall and winter. This cliché is tired. Let it rest.

Last year, I actually heard a prominent and respected local news anchor say that Independence Day was the day we remember our veterans (living and otherwise) and what they’ve done for our country. Um, no. That would be Memorial Day and/or Veterans Day. On Independence Day, the U.S. celebrates its independence from Great Britain.

Later this year, we’ll be hearing about the dog days of summer. The dog days, contrary to what you will be lead to believe, have nothing to do with canines lying around lazily in the heat. They have to do with the Dog Star’s position in space.

Here’s one that’s actually dangerous: If you watch enough TV and movies, you’ll learn that cats drink milk and play with yarn. In fact, if you give your cat milk, it will likely have diarrhea. And if you give it yarn or anything linear to play with, it may swallow it and develop life-threatening intestinal blockages.

Think about the clichés you hear and don’t take them all for gospel truth.

Which Pronoun?

Do you ever get corrected when you say “him and I” or “Joe and me”? People are frequently confused about the proper use of direct and indirect object pronouns, especially because half the people they listen to and model are wrong.

Here’s how to get it right.

Don’t worry about what part of speech you’re using and whether it’s direct or indirect. That’s too much analysis. Just try this simple “equation.”

Subtract one person out of the sentence. Let’s say you want to tell someone that you and some guy named Billy Bob went to the opera.

You have four choices:

A. Billy Bob and me went to the opera.

B. Me and Billy Bob went to the opera.

C. Billy Bob and I went to the opera.

D. I and Billy Bob went to the opera.

Two of these are grammatically correct. Which one would you use?

The correct usages are C and D.

How do you know? Subtract one of the subjects: Leave Billy Bob out of it for a minute. Would you say “Me went to the movies”? No, unless you were Tarzan, you would say “I went to the movies.” Therefore, I is the correct pronoun to use in this case. While both C and D are correct, most people find C sounds better to the ear.

Now, let’s say someone gave you the opera tickets. Again, you have four choices:

E. Zerelda gave me and Billy Bob opera tickets.

F. Zerelda gave Billy Bob and me opera tickets.

G. Zerelda gave Billy Bob and I opera tickets.

H. Zerelda gave I and Billy Bob opera tickets.

Again, leave Billy Bob at home. Would you say “Zerelda gave me the tickets” or “Zerelda gave I the tickets”? The answer on this one, which I’m sure you’ll find most apparent, is “me”; therefore E and F are the correct choices. Use whichever sounds best to your ear. I like E best.

You can use this same “equation” with he/him and she/her. For example, “He/him and Billy Bob gave she/her and Zerelda a lesson in grammar.” Can you pick the right pronoun?

Taking Care of a Pet With a Cold

The disclaimer: If your pet is sick, please consult a veterinarian. This advice is not intended to replace the personalized care you will get when you physically take your animal to a licensed veterinarian.

I have been volunteering at a local animal shelter for awhile now, in the veterinary clinic. Adopters can bring their newly adopted pets in for free help with shelter-related health issues. We mostly treat head colds: upper respiratory infections in cats and kennel cough in dogs.

The veterinarian I work with, Dr. Steve Huber, gives the same advice to every adopter on nursing dogs and cats with colds. With his permission, I’m sharing this advice here. (Respect the disclaimer!)

Create a steam room. If you have a vaporizer – not a humidifier, but a machine that boils water and creates steam -- put your pet in a small room with it for about 15 minutes, twice a day. If you don’t have a vaporizer, create a steam room in a small bathroom by turning on the shower as hot as it will go. Don’t put your pet under the shower, of course, but let him roam the room. The steam will soften up all the mucus membranes and help clear the airways.

Keep the boogers away. Twice a day, especially in the morning, wet a cotton ball with warm water, squeeze out the excess water, and gently rub your pet’s eyes and nostrils to remove any crusty buildup that has accumulated.

Provide fluids with calories. If your pet is feverish or congested and can’t smell anything, he may not feel like eating his regular food. Set down a buffet of foods such as broths, bouillons, chicken soup, and the liquid from canned tuna. Dr. Huber also recommends Gerber’s Chicken and Gravy baby food. It is high in water, nutritious and pretty darn tasty. Don’t give your pet anything with milk or sugar in it.

If your pet’s doctor has given you medications, give them according to directions.

Head colds in pets can last from two to 10 days. If your pet’s illness lingers, consult your veterinarian.

Rest

This New Year’s Day, as you know, was both a holiday and a Sunday. Traditionally, holidays and Sundays were not only days off from work, but also generally days of rest.

It used to be (or so I’m told) that nothing was open on Sundays or holidays except churches and the odd donut shop. You couldn’t just step out and shop for new clothes or TVs or pick up a few necessities on Christmas. Lots of people got these days off, except for police officers and firefighters, doctors and nurses. These days, though, everything is open on weekends and holidays and it’s business as usual. More people have to work.

For some, working includes being tied to a computer or smartphone. You may technically have the day off of work, but you’re still mentally engaged in your job by checking your email when you’re not there.

Whether you’re addicted to technology, or you have a heightened sense of responsibility or you’re a workaholic, you need to rest. It helps recharge your brain cells and makes you more productive when you return to work. It helps keep you well, both physically and mentally. We all work hard. But shouldn’t we feel some responsibility to ourselves and take a day of rest every week?

This New Year’s Day, I spent the day unplugged. For me, this meant no checking my email, no checking my Twitter feed or Tweeting, no internet surfing, no blogging and no worrying that I should be doing any of that.

How did you start off your year? I hope you got some rest!